The blood sucking bitch!

Please allow me to  articulate two short anecdotes so as to explain why it is impossible to outwit the female mosquito!

I have been fortunate to spend many a holiday in the west African country of Ghana.My childrens grandfather was born and raised in said country .Although he raised his own family in the uk he invested in a large family house just outside Ghana’s capital city Acrra.Unfortunately, the female malaria carrying mosquito also inhabits this beautiful ex british colony. On my first trip  to Ghana I was more than aware of the danger’s that this  mosquito brings.So with naive confidence I invested in the new ‘wonder anti-malaria’ drug Larium to try and gain one up-manship against this nasty nocturnal nuisance.

My visit passed without incident and all seemed fine until two days after my return to Manchester.I was lazily enjoying  the delights that a fresh pot of strong black tea brings when I suddenly became extremely lightheaded.Any memories after this are a little  hazy.I can briefly remember my neighbour helping me out of my fishpond where I was standing wearing only boxer shorts ignoring the torrent of  icy snow that was helping cool down my over heating scrawny form.I  heard him call an ambulance and then all is completely blank until I awoke the following day in some type of hospital ward surrounded with patients eating their own hair and declaring themselves the ‘messiah’ to anyone with a pulse above 30bpm.

It was a full 6 weeks until I recovered any kind of normality and have never quite been the same since.

So what the female mosquito failed to deliver in the way of liver destroying malaria she gained in my mental destruction and  severe  psychosis.

Mosquito 1….moi…..0

On my second excursion I found myself enjoying  the local brew at a ‘Botel”(hotel on water supported by stilts) in the remarkable Cape Coast region.

This time avoiding mind altering anti-malaria drugs (they don’t actually prevent malaria anyway)I had become a servant to the daily sun down ritual of completely covering ones exposed body head to toe in a Deet soaked oil.

A few hours and several beers later I was sat amongst family and the botel’s proprietor’s family and friends enjoying  a display of  traditional dancing from a  troupe of  very attractive local females.It soon became apparent that I needed to expel some of  the bladder expanding ale  that I had eagerly consumed.So off I went in search of the nearest toilet facility.

I found one such facility just behind our seated area and quickly closed the door so I could get on with the annoying distraction and return to the evenings entertainment.As I proceeded to discharge the filtered brew I became aware of a female presence about my person.No,not one of the dancers (yeah,right!)but a female mosquito zipping around my head obviously frustrated at not being able to penetrate my full body armour of Deet….or so I thought.Just as I was about to shake free the last few remnants of said fluid I felt a sharp antennae perferating the skin and capillaries of my now flaccid manhood as the mosquito began a desperate search for my nutrious proteins.

I swiftly zipped up and without a second thought  to my  encounter returned to my table to enjoy the female dancers who had now entered into a more suggestive and almost erotic part of their routine.

Unfortunately for myself  the timing couldn’t have been worse as my bodies immune response created a swelling and uncontrollable itch around my male appendage that I couldn’t resist

In a desperate attempt to relieve myself of the now burning itch I began to scratch and rub the dubious location with the enthusiasm of  a  ‘ celibate zoo monkey on viagra’.

I was now standing away from my table in an attempt to attain greater purchase for my frantic hand.What I hadn’t realised was I was marching along the perimeter of the small oval dance floor.

One by one the dancing ladies paused from dancing and focused in on my  inappropriate ,though purely innocent act.

I was swiftly approached by the proprietor(a close friend of my father in law) and asked to leave the venue.In a last ditched attempt to prove my innocence I began to undue the belt of my light cotton trousers to show him the source of my discomfort.Big mistake,this was greeted with  ear-splitting gasps,a chorus of loud teeth sucking and several chants of  ‘oh lord please forgive the sinner’.

I spent the next two days alone in my room….which with hind-sight probably didn’t help matters and only  increased local suspicions  and just added fuel to the fire.

So there you have it!… Once again  I didn’t contract  malaria or any mental issues but you see my error.I left one body part deet free and the blood sucking bitch fount it!! leaving me acting out the lead role in a very embarrassing scenario.

Mosquito 2-Moi 0

I rest my case!!!!

Shamroc

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm and is filed under Shamroc. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.